I’d like to thank Ashish Shenoy and all the other people, including Suchi, Sanjay and others, who asked for this blog or expressed interest at some point or other in seeing a list of Apocalyptic prophecies. Shenoy, Ashish, gets a special mention cause he asked twice. Most other people didn’t bother asking repeatedly. Honestly, I tell you, there is no determination left in this world. And people ask why it’s going to the dogs.
First a brief introduction. Many different theologies are convinced and share a common belief that there will occur a time in the future, where all life as we know it will be destroyed, and judgment will be passed on the denizens that exist and have existed through the centuries. Apocalypse predictions were rife during Newton’s time; a predicament that naturally led to panic and loss of the will to live. Newton performed some calculations based on some figures from the Book or Revelations and made the following ambiguous statement: “The apocalypse shall not happen before 2060”, thereby allaying fears for the moment. If his calculations were indeed legit, maybe we shall live to see it. Whether life will continue after this Apocalypse (like the floods of the past, and the pralayahas) I am unsure. The general idea is, there will be massive earthquakes, floods and deep crevices opening up, volcanoes and other morbidity.I don’t know. What am I a prophet? No. A mere hermit. I have only the following to say.

This collection is not exhaustive by any means, and as the Apocalypse approaches, more will be added (if the comments are favourable). Please feel free to point out if I missed your favourite Apocalypse quote.

"At the apocalypse, if you see a small scaly thing emerge out of the ground, spin wildly and then suddenly run and scalp the nearest guy and start sucking his head, I'm guessing it's okay to laugh. Because after all, the Apocalypse is much worse than some brain eating reptile. Besides, you probably need a good laugh then than any other time before in your life!"

"Apocalypse Get Rich Scheme #1: Apocalypse Insurance. You won’t get a single claimant."

"Apocalypse Get Rich Scheme #2: Remove the bulbs from cameras and market them as special ‘Apocalypse Cams.’ After all, you won’t need a flash at the Apocalypse, what with the blinding flash to smite the wicked from the heavens. Then sell the bulbs and make a profit."

"If at the Apocalypse, you can see OJ, Saddam and Ivan the Terrible around you, then what the heck did you do in YOUR life man? And why are you still looking? You do realise you're in the damned for eternity section right? Run! And watch out for that deep crevice on your le… Never mind."

"If you don’t want to die alone, propose on the apocalypse. Take an empty box and get down on one knee. Then act as if there was a light tremor and drop the ring-box into a nearby bottomless pit that should have opened up by now if you timed it right. Then make a big fuss about the size of the rock you were going to give her. And hey, if you didn’t like her in the first place, and you were only asking her because her dad was going to shoot you if you didn’t, or you were obliged to ask her to marry you for something stupid you did or something – I don’t know – I’m not judging - jump into the ravine, as if going after the ring. That way, you’ll escape the pain of the Apocalypse, along with that other pain. Plus, it’ll be dramatic and you’ll look like a hero. Or a real miser willing to sacrifice his life for a stone. But what do you care? You’re dead."

"The Balloon Apocalypse. The following was the conversation recorded between a balloon and a pin. The pin thought he had been fathered by the balloon, and this is what led to the most tragic consequences.
Balloon: Hey, ‘buster’.
Pin: Hey. POP."

"If at the Apocalypse, you see a stewardess saying, “The exits are here, here and here”, don’t believe her. The ‘exits’ she speaks of, are probably endless crevices that open up in China. And the Apocalypse is scary enough without dancing dragons."